i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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