i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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