oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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