Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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