we have pet lesbian snakes
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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