It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
