I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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