I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
