I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
