Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
