I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
