I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
