Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
