sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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