You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
