While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
