hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
