im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have tasted many bathrooms
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
