I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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