Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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