Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
