No stitches, just platelets and will power
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She's the barista slut.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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