our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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