well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
