is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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