omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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