evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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