I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
