just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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