Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
