Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
