I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
