got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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