i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
