Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
