Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
