Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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