Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
