Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
