If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
