Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
