so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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