I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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