anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
