the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
