Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
