I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
