Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
