I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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