I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
